If you have a partner or are close to someone who struggles with depression, you may not always know how to show them you love them. One day they may seem fine, and the next they are sad, distant and may push you away. It is important that you know that as a person who is close to them and trusted by them, you can help your friend or partner have shorter, less severe bouts of depression. Mental illness is as real as physical illness (it is physical actually, read more about that here) and your partner needs you as much as they would need to be cared for if they had the flu.
Your relationship may seem one-sided during these times, but by helping your partner through a very difficult and painful affliction, you are strengthening your relationship and their mental health in the long term.
1. Help them keep clutter at bay.
When a person begins spiraling into depression, they may feel like they are slowing down while the world around them speeds up. The mail may end up in stacks, dishes can pile up in the sink, laundry may go undone as the depressed person begins to feel more and more overwhelmed by their daily routine and unable to keep up. By giving your partner some extra help sorting mail, washing dishes or using paper plates and keeping chaos in check in general, you’ll be giving them (and yourself) the gift of a calm environment. (I’m a fan of the minimalist movement because of this, you can read more about that here.)
2. Fix them a healthy meal.
Your partner may do one of two things when they are in a depressed state. They may eat very little, or they may overeat. In either case, they may find that driving through a fast food restaurant or ordering a pizza online is just easier than fixing a meal. Eating like this, or neglecting to eat will only degrade your partner’s health, causing them to go deeper into their depression. Help your loved one keep their body healthy, and their mind will follow. This is a great article that talks about the “Brain Diet” which can help the symptoms of depression, and this article talks about how our modern diet could contribute to the recent rise in depression. Here is a recipe for a trail mix that is quick to make and has mood-boosting properties.
3.Get them outside.
The benefits of getting outside for a depressed person are huge. And it is possibly the last thing on earth your partner will want to do. Take them to be somewhere in nature. Pack a picnic and lie in the sun, take a leisurely hike or plant a garden. Being barefoot in the dirt, or “earthing” helps ground the body and reverse the effects of living in a world of emf’s, and digging in soil can actually act as an antidepressant, as a strain of bacterium in soil, Mycobacterium vaccae, triggers the release of seratonin, which in turn elevates mood and decreases anxiety. Sunshine increases Vitamin D production which can help alleviate depression. My friend Elizabeth wrote an excellent post about Vitamin D and its link to depression here. For more information about other sources of Vitamin D, this is a great post as well as this.
4. Ask them to help you understand what they’re feeling.
If your partner is able to articulate what they are going through, it will help them and you better understand what you are dealing with, and may give insight into a plan of action for helping your partner. Also, feeling alone is common for a depressed person and anything that combats that feeling will help alleviate the severity and length of the depression.
5. Encourage them to focus on self-care.
Depressed people often stop taking care of themselves. Showering, getting haircuts, going to the doctor or dentist, it’s all just too hard, and they don’t deserve to be well taken care of anyway in their minds. This can snowball quickly into greater feelings of worthlessness since “Now I’m such a mess, no one could ever love me”. Help your loved one by being proactive. Tell them “I’m going to do the dishes, why don’t you go enjoy a bubble bath?” can give them the permission they won’t give themselves to do something normal, healthy and self-loving.
6. Hug them.
Studies show that a sincere hug that lasts longer than 20 seconds can release feel-good chemicals in the brain and elevate the mood of the giver and receiver. Depressed people often don’t want to be touched, but a sincere hug with no expectation of anything further can give your partner a lift.
7. Laugh with them.
Telling a silly joke, watching a comedy or seeing a stand up comedian will encourage your partner to laugh in spite of themselves. Laughing releases endorphins and studies show can actually counteract symptoms of depression and anxiety.
8. Reassure them that you can handle their feelings.
Your partner may be feeling worthless, angry and even guilty while they are depressed. They may be afraid that they will end up alone because no one will put up with their episodes forever. Reassure them that you are in the relationship for the long haul and they won’t scare you away because they have an illness.
9. Challenge their destructive thoughts.
A depressed person’s mind can be a never-ending loop of painful, destructive thoughts. “I’m unlovable, I’m a failure, I’m ugly, I’m stupid”. Challenge these untruths with the truth. “You’re not unlovable, I love you. You aren’t a failure, here are all the things you’ve accomplished.”
10.Remind them why you love them.
Look at pictures of happy times you’ve had together. Tell them your favorite things about them. Reminisce about your relationship and all the positive things that have happened, and remind your partner that you love them and they will get through this.
osnapitzposey said: Your blog gives me the need to hug a cat while drinking a pumpkin spiced latte, and then I have an urge to rake up leaves and make a pumpkin pie and cuddle up in a warm knitted sweater and fuzzy socks. Like that's the effect you have on me lol it's pretty amazing. Hope you have a great day 😊 I just wanted to share what your blog has done 🍂🍃
Your description is beautiful! I want to hug a cat and rake leaves and bake pumpkin pie right now. But it’s 4 a.m., and I don’t have a cat. The sweater and warm fuzzy socks part I can do, though. *Slips feet into socks that look like ’70s shag carpet*
Aw, you’re so lovely, and I’m happy the blog made you feel all those cozy, fun, happy things! How’s fall 2014 been for you so far? I hope amazing! Thank you again for the sweet words. *Hugs*
As I spend more time with Grant, I realise more and more that we have different communication styles.
I care very much to be precise with my words—especially as a student of mathematics. I care very much about articulating my meaning when it comes to most subjects, including relationships, my feelings, and my needs—especially because I put a great deal of effort in explicitly identifying my feelings and needs to myself first.
Grant communicates with more subtlety and is completely okay to gloss over things and package things together in ways that, in my opinion, diminish the quality of their expression.
I might say, “I feel sad because I did poorly on a test, and now I fear that I’m not talented nor skilled enough to attain important goals in my life, and I fear that all that time and effort I’ve invested into these goals will have been a waste.”
And he’d say, “So you’re feeling human and having an identity crisis.”
In his mind, he may understand me completely, but since I care very much about knowing that I am understood, I find his expression frustrating. I would say, “No, dammit, I just said—I feel sad because I,” etc.
And on his side, he might feel frustration at how pedantic I get, belabouring a point he may have understood from my body language and voice long before I got to the words. Or he might be frustrated when he tries to communicate things to me non-verbally and I fail to notice or acknowledge them.
We have different communication styles and perhaps needs, and it’s going to be interesting to see how they mesh.
Last year, I found a terrific pair of earrings for like $2. And then I lost one earring, and I was very sad. So the other day, I decided to make this pendant using the round blue stone from the remaining earring. Because the stone wasn’t identified originally, I can’t say for certain what it is; but the blue-green ones are Australian jasper; the white one is a very pale sodalite bead.
I suppose I’ll have to start naming my pieces soon.
First three photos on Nikon Coolpix L810; last on my phone camera.
Cartocci (Italian fried-dough pastry filled, in this case, with custard), coffee, wonderful company, farmers’ market, autumn day. What more could one want?
Pastry from Casa Bella at The Forks Market in Winnipeg, MB, Canada. It’s marked as “Ballo” on the deli shelf, but I’ve never been able to find a source for this name.
Casa Bella has wonderful pastries from a few different regions. Some items I’ve seen for sale there: “Persian” baklava (labelled as such), éclairs, macarons, “Italian” cheesecake, sfogliatelle (I forget how it was labelled), and cannoli.
This cartocci is probably the most satisfying pastry I’ve ever had. When you sniff it, it smells like good, pleasantly yeasty sweet bread. The dough has just enough crust and spring to be masticatorily satisfying (I just invented that word; I mean it’s satisfying to chew on), the cream or custard fillings are light and pleasant, but the whole thing is filling enough that you can be satisfied after only eating one. Also, it’s so extremely gratifying to pull apart the spiral and eat it—one—layer—at—a—time.